Expanding the tent: Kol Ami welcomes Interfaith Families - Rosh Hashanah 5767

Rabbi Tracee Rosen

Congregation Kol Ami, Salt Lake City, Utah

Rosh Hashanah 5767 – First Day

(c) 2006, Rabbi Tracee Rosen. All rights reserved.

Two friends are arguing, and can’t seem to come to an agreement with each other. “I know,” says one. We’ll go the rabbi, and each present our own perspective, and let the rabbi decide who is right.” “Agreed,” said the other. The two make an appointment with the rabbi, explain why they are there, and the first proceeds to give his side of the story. The rabbi listens intently, and at the end of the first person’s account, declares, “On the one hand, what you say makes perfect sense. You’re right.” “But rabbi,” objects the second person. “You haven’t heard my side.” The second person tells her story, and the rabbi, equally attentive, states at the end. “On the other hand, you also make very valid points. You’re right.” At this point, the rabbi’s secretary, who had overheard the conversation pipes up, “But rabbi, if they are arguing and he’s right and she’s right, how can they both be right?” The rabbi paused for a minute and thought about it carefully. After a considerable delay, the rabbi said, “On the other hand, you’re right, too.”

Our Jewish faith and tradition has always had a very pragmatic element to it. When the survival of the community is at stake, rabbinic leadership, throughout history has devised creative interpretations of tradition and Jewish law to ensure that we can survive. This is a feature of Jewish thought and reasoning that I have come to love so much and appreciate as an adult. You know the expression, “Two Jews, three opinions?” When I grew out of my own certainty that there was an objective “truth” out there somewhere, I came to see, not only the humor in that line, but the profound wisdom that underlies it. Real Judaism doesn’t give us black and white answers. You want absolutes? I can send you to fundamentalist organizations in all the major religious traditions that will tell you, “We know for sure what God wants. We’ve got the truth, and everyone else is wrong.” You won’t hear that message here. Real Judaism recognizes that the world and the decisions we face are not so neat and tidy. The real world is messy, and the choices we make are often found in the grey areas. Black and white answers, one-size-fit all answers just won’t work.

This is how it is in perhaps the most important conversation which is occurring in Jewish life in this country. We all know the dire statistics that for years led the leadership of the Jewish community to cry out that intermarriage is going to decimate the Jewish population in America. The last major national Jewish population study, five years ago, showed for the first time a 5% decline in the number of American Jews, and an intermarriage rate at around 42% for people just getting married, higher out here in the West. When 2 Jews marry each other, the study said, 96% of their kids are raised Jewish. When a Jew and a non-Jew marry, only one in three raise their kids exclusively as Jews. So, those who read these statistics and claim that interfaith marriage is a threat to the survival of the Jews in America are right.

On the other hand, as scholars are digging deeper into these numbers, new information about intermarriage is coming to light. One thing they are discovering is that not all intermarriages are Jewishly equal. Three factors have emerged in more detailed studies done in the last six years which offer some level of hope against this Jewish erosion.

· Sociologist Bruce Phillips distinguished between members of couples who consider themselves secular vs. those who identify with the religious aspects of their own tradition. In his study, he found that when a Jew-by-religion is married to a secular non-Jew, 61% of those families, nearly twice the national average are raising Jewish children. When a secular Jew is married to a secular non-Jew, only 6% are raising their children Jewish and nearly 80% are raising their kids in no religion.

· Another study of the San Francisco Jewish community showed that 78% of children of interfaith couples who attend Jewish pre-school go on to get subsequent Jewish education, compared to 25% of such children who don’t attend Jewish pre-schools.

· Moreover, in a 1995 study of the Boston Jewish community, Sherry Israel of Brandeis University, discovered that intermarried Jews who belonged to synagogues demonstrated rates of Jewish engagement at nearly the same levels as synagogue members married to Jews by choice, and they had a higher rate of engagement than in-married Jews who did not belong to synagogues.

So those, like Rabbi Alexander Schindler of the Reform movement, who said back in 1978 that, “the better part of wisdom is not to reject the intermarried, but rather to love them all the more, to do everything possible to draw them closer to us, and to involve them in Jewish life,” is right, too.

The implications for us are rather clear. If we as a community want to ensure that our offspring 2, 3, and 4 generations from now will continue to be faithful to the covenant of our ancestors, we need to raise them with such a deeply engrained sense of Jewish identity that it will be a factor in whatever choices they make regarding life partners.

This means that while bagels & lox on Sunday are delicious, they won’t cut it in the same way that Religious School on Sunday will. And even more effective will be if your kids see YOU at synagogue on Sunday mornings, noshing on bagels and participating in our new Sunday morning speaker series. It means that while matzah ball soup on Friday night may warm your insides on a cold winter night, lighting Shabbat candles and saying Kiddush will go a longer way to lighting up their Jewish souls.

These studies mean that we also must continue to make our Jewish pre-school programs a community priority. We need to make sure that every Jewish family who wants to give their kids Jewish exposure at a young age is able to do so. We are fortunate that the JCC has a top-notch program which gives children outstanding socialization and school readiness combined with exposure to Shabbat, the holidays, and a good sprinkling of Jewish ethics. This past year we tried to open a branch of the JCC preschool here at Kol Ami, and weren’t able to get the enrollment needed, but I’m asking all of you to let young families who live south of here know, that God-willing, next fall, they should plan on having their children enroll here. And Bubbes and Zaydes, I want you to help make this a reality, too.

Finally, if synagogue membership makes such a profound difference in the Jewish identity of our children, then we need to lower the barriers that exist to interfaith families participating here. Nationally, in 2001, only 15% of interfaith families belonged to synagogues of any denomination. And a large part of the blame goes to congregations who have communicated in a variety of ways that interfaith families are somehow second class citizens.

Two years ago today, I stood here and asked that we as a community begin a process of making this institution more welcoming and encouraging to interfaith couples and families. This past year, we took the opportunity to take a hard look at our congregational practices, in light of the message they project to prospective members. In February, we convened a Town Hall meeting open to all to begin a dialogue on how people viewed our reception of interfaith families, and we heard and shared some remarkable, courageous, and sometimes disturbing stories.

From the issues raised at that time, we convened a special Religious Practices Task Force to look specifically at areas where our ritual practices have been creating barriers to interfaith participation. Co-chaired by Maeera Shreiber and Danny Burman, the group worked exceptionally hard over the spring and summer to develop a uniquely “Kol Ami” approach to our issues. We struggled with the need to honor both our Reform and Conservative heritage, especially in light of the fact that it is precisely these issues that cause the greatest amount of tension between the two movements.

I won’t go into details about all our deliberations, but I want to share with you some of the more significant changes we have made to our practices, which we hope will demonstrate our commitment to becoming a more warm and welcoming place.

• We have begun to use the term, k’rov yisrael, which means someone who is close to or related to the Jewish people to describe our non-Jewish spouses and others who may be our supporters or currently in the process of conversion. We chose this term because we feel it’s important to define these wonderful people by their positive acts, rather than by what they are not, as in “non-Jewish,” or God-forbid, goy or shiksa, which are actually rather pejorative. I know the term may sound a little bit foreign for some, but as we begin to use it, I hope it will become familiar and comfortable for you.
• This spring we began a practice during our b’nai mitzvah celebrations to invite the k’rov yisrael parent up to the bimah to stand with his or her spouse when the child has his or her aliyah to the Torah as a recognition of that parent’s support of their child’s Jewish identity.
• One of the major areas of conflict is in defining the Jewish status of our children. According to the Reform movement, children with one Jewish parent who are being raised exclusively Jewish are presumed to be Jewish, but Conservative movement insists as a standard of practice that the traditional definition of those born to Jewish mothers are Jewish, and if the mother isn’t Jewish, the child needs to undergo a conversion process. Our practice has always been to invite children with one Jewish parent to participate fully in our religious school, and to request that children whose mothers aren’t Jewish immerse in the mikvah as formal ritual, complete with a certificate of conversion. What we heard from a number of families, especially those who had belonged to strictly Reform congregations in other communities was that telling their children that they now needed to convert was extremely offensive. So, in a rather Talmudic reading of the Conservative standards which insists on mikvah immersion (and brit milah for boys), but doesn’t specify what type of document must be used, we created our own Certificate of Ritual Immersion, which affirms the child’s status as fully Jewish, both in the eyes of the Reform and Conservative movements, but without referring to the act as a conversion, but rather a completion of the process begun at their births. Is it perfect? No. Will some people object to treating some kids differently? Yes. But it is an attempt to deal with a hard issue in a way that respects both sides.
• Another difficult issue for us is the topic of conducting interfaith weddings. For its entire history, the answer at Kol Ami has always been, “no.” Recognizing that we aren’t going to stop them from taking place, with the help of David Sonnenreich, we have assembled a number of resources that can be made available to young couples, especially those who are willing to commit to raising Jewish families, including possible officiants, ceremonies, and other Jewish resources. We want to begin honoring newly married couples in the synagogue with a special blessing after the wedding, and we are instituting a policy of offering a year’s free membership to couples in the year following their marriage to encourage them to become part of the Kol Ami community.

These are the major points with which we grappled. Our conversations were heated and intense, but carried out with great listening and respect for one another. It represents the proudest moments of my sojourn here at Kol Ami. I am very proud of this task force, and publicly thank all its members for a job well done. The brochures at your seats this morning are the most visible product of our work, and we hope this begins the process of atonement for the many years that we did not convey the feeling of welcome and inclusion that we might have done. There is a longer document which describes our practices in more detail which will be available on request from the office after the holidays. We have made a good start, but we are not finished. We need to better understand what more we can do, as individuals and as a congregation to help interfaith families feel that Kol Ami is really their home. Our next step will be to form a Keruv, Outreach committee to help us identify and address these needs. If you are interested in participating in this process, please speak to Danny Burman or to me, or check off the Keruv committee on the mitzvah pledge cards in the hall.

One other change in practice is being initiated today. Many years ago, Lavine Shapiro, who had been a dedicated volunteer and co-chair of our sisterhood, was inadvertently invited to sit on the Bimah on Rosh Hashanah as an honor for the service she had rendered to Kol Ami. When the committee realized that she wasn’t Jewish, they rescinded the invitation. While Lavine was very gracious about the whole business, it was a matter of concern and consternation for the rest of her family. This morning, in recognition of past years of service, and in gratitude for Lavine’s participation on this year’s task force, I have invited her to join me this morning on the bimah. This is also an act of congregational teshuvah, repentance, to begin to rectify the hurt that we have caused in the past.

The last thing I want to do this morning is to call up our k’rovei yisrael, our special moms & dads, spouses and partners to the bimah. I hope that you will not be embarrassed or upset that I am singling you out in this way. What I do want is to tell you how much you matter to our congregation, and how very grateful we are for what you have done. You are a very diverse group of people. Some of you are living a Jewish life in virtually all respects. Some of you are devoutly committed to another faith. Some of you do not define yourselves as religious at all. You fall at all points along this spectrum, and we acknowledge and respect your diversity.

What we want to thank you for today is your decision to cast your lot with the Jewish people by becoming part of this congregation, and the love and support you give to your Jewish partner. Most of all, we want to offer our deepest thanks to those of you who are parents, and who are raising your sons and daughters as Jews. Every Jewish boy and girl is a gift to the Jewish future. With all our hearts, we want to thank you for your generosity and strength of spirit in making the ultimate gift to the Jewish people.

Please come up now, and receive the heartfelt gratitude of your congregation.

BLESSING:

You are the moms and dads who drive the Hebrew school carpool and sit in services during the b’nai mitzvah year. You help explain to your kids why it’s important to get up on Sunday mornings to learn to be a Jew. You take classes and read Jewish books to deepen your own understanding, so you can help to make a Jewish home. You learn to make kugel and latkes; you try to like gefilte fish; you learn to put on a Seder; you learn to put up a Sukkah. You join your spouse at the Shabbat table – maybe you even set that

Shabbat table and make it beautiful.

You come to services, even when it feels strange and confusing at first. You hum along to those Hebrew songs, and some of you even learn to read that difficult language. You tell your children on the day of their Bar or Bat Mitzvah, how proud you are and how much you love them, and how glad you are to see them grow into young Jewish men and women.

We know that some of you have paid a significant price for the generous decision you made to raise Jewish children. You have made a painful sacrifice, giving up the joy of sharing your own spiritual beliefs and passing your own religious traditions down to your kids. I hope your children and your spouse tell you often how wonderful you are, and that their love and gratitude, and our love and gratitude, will be some compensation, and will bring you joy.

I ask our congregation to rise in your honor now, as we offer you this ancient blessing from the Torah….

May God bless you and keep you.

May God’s radiance shine on you and be good to you.

May God’s presence fill your life and give you all that is good in the world, especially, the gift of peace. And together we say, Amen.

(Blessing of the spouses adapted from Rabbi Janet Marder.)